Dear Patrick

Your love balances between extremes. An emotional seesaw is holding our life ransom. Teetering left and right between the phases of your mind. Six weeks. Complete chaos for six weeks.

When you allow yourself to sit in the emotions, to feel; you cry and express your love for me. Your fear of making the wrong decision.Your guttural need to work things out. "I can't picture a life without you in it", comes pouring out so often. I see your pain. I share your confusion. I try to stay disconnected, but your tears are like a drug my heart can't say no to. I love you too much to sit and watch you suffer. I offer support and comfort. I wipe your tears and run my fingers across your face. They find their usual place at the base of your neck. The spot they have called home for 15 years. Our eyes meet, foreheads connect, my hope rises and my heart opens. I let you in.

Inevitably, the other shoe drops. Your cyclical thinking takes over. Negativity seeps into the crevices of hope we have carved. I cannot break through the years of toxicity and self loathing that have built a fortress around your heart. You isolate yourself, withdraw into your mind. Blow out any spark of warmth with a gust of cool aggression.

My heart cannot survive this ride. Being thrown between hope and heartache. I love you unconditionally. I do. I would walk through Hell and back...I feel like I have. I am slowly realizing that I need to have these things reciprocated. I need more. I am more. I deserve more.

In Like A Lion, Out Like A Lamb

It is cold & blustering, I am frozen to the core. No matter what I do; I cannot seem to warm up. My surroundings are slippery at best & I can barely keep my balance.

I wish I were talking about the weather. And yet, I am describing my life. What is supposed to be my life. It seems surreal...a place beyond reach that I am witnessing by accident. I feel like I should hush my voice, hold me breath, & duck behind a tree.

The Winter squalls came in with thunderous winds & swept my world away. I will spend (have spent) some energy grieving. I will cry & scream at God (I apologize). My faith will be (has been) shaken. I will, however, hold my head high, stick my feet in the muck & hold firm against the storm.

 I am a strong believer that we are never faced with challenges we cannot overcome. As much as I may question God's intentions...his plans; my heart knows (somewhere beneath the sadness) that there is a light coming around the bend.

Although this storm came barreling in with a roar that held the capacity to shatter. My hope...my belief, is that it will dissipate. That the sun will come out, the ice will melt, & the Spring rains will wash clean all the debris left by such a harsh Winter.

Divorce via text

The collapse of social graces. Looking back; I see the numerous red flags that were screaming at me. How do we ignore all the signs? How do we sit in a place of trust & vulnerability. Completely unarmed and naive. Easy. We love.

My husband who always called multiple times from work; was now not contacting me or replying to anything I sent him. My loving husband who couldn't wait to throw his arms around me & exhale the day; now never made eye contact. My husband who was sexually rampant; now never touched me. 

Every year between October and December; my husband suffers a depressive episode. Usually we keep an eye on things, make sure his meds are working and we communicate really openly. We work as a team and support each other. 

This year; all Hell broke loose. He plateaued on his meds. Isolated himself completely and spiraled into hopelessness. How do you lovingly combat a mental illness? Answer; I don't know. Everything I tried held no bearing.

My husband...well, not my husband, but his counter part who lies in wait & takes over when the depression kicks in. This man, who I do not recognize, is dissolving our marriage. Walking (running) away without a single effort or a slight glance behind at the life he is crushing.

My husband is the light of my life. My heart. My soul. My husband is my person. He is so caring & lovable. His smile squeezes my heart in all the right places. Now, I have to say goodbye.

You would think that saying goodbye to someone you don't recognize would be easy. That all the damage & pain...all the tears would compile a mountainous barrier to hold out the grief. It doesn't. Because in the depth of my own soul; I still feel the vibrations of his.

Torn in two

A long time ago I found a lost soul. Stumbling & bumping, this soul crashed into mine. We weaved & we danced. We laughed & we cried. We shared our hearts & our souls became entwined. So many years & so much love. We truly believed this was a gift from above. Some destined path, no mountain too high. Slowly my heart sees; this was a lie. Too much ego, too much hidden shame. Love, to that soul, was only a game. So here I sit, clinging to a moment in time. My faith failing, heart breaking, my soul not able to shine. 

Welcome to the spin cycle

Fifteen years. I have given fifteen years of my life away.

I believed so deeply that there was an inherent goodness down below all the self involved toxicity. A small flicker of a flame, grasping for air. Begging to be ignited. 

I was wrong. Cuts like a knife to admit. I spent fifteen years nurturing, loving, & guiding this little imaginary flame. I was so focused on helping this soul find his "true" self. That I allowed his need for air to absorb my oxygen. In the end; I suffocated. 

How? How do you spend half of your life being chewed up, swallowed & regurgitated. How do you end up simply existing for another; never noticing that you're no longer living. 

Love...the idea of love; it plays such a heavy tune with our hearts. With our minds. "You can survive this horrid behaviour", love says. "You love him...remember?". "Infedelity? Well, you can forgive that. You love him...". "Years of lies & heartache, you got this. You're strong. Love will guide you". Love fools us into believing that it is enough. That love can save the day. Well, it's not enough. No. Love is not enough...