In Like A Lion, Out Like A Lamb

It is cold & blustering, I am frozen to the core. No matter what I do; I cannot seem to warm up. My surroundings are slippery at best & I can barely keep my balance.

I wish I were talking about the weather. And yet, I am describing my life. What is supposed to be my life. It seems surreal...a place beyond reach that I am witnessing by accident. I feel like I should hush my voice, hold me breath, & duck behind a tree.

The Winter squalls came in with thunderous winds & swept my world away. I will spend (have spent) some energy grieving. I will cry & scream at God (I apologize). My faith will be (has been) shaken. I will, however, hold my head high, stick my feet in the muck & hold firm against the storm.

 I am a strong believer that we are never faced with challenges we cannot overcome. As much as I may question God's intentions...his plans; my heart knows (somewhere beneath the sadness) that there is a light coming around the bend.

Although this storm came barreling in with a roar that held the capacity to shatter. My hope...my belief, is that it will dissipate. That the sun will come out, the ice will melt, & the Spring rains will wash clean all the debris left by such a harsh Winter.

Divorce via text

The collapse of social graces. Looking back; I see the numerous red flags that were screaming at me. How do we ignore all the signs? How do we sit in a place of trust & vulnerability. Completely unarmed and naive. Easy. We love.

My husband who always called multiple times from work; was now not contacting me or replying to anything I sent him. My loving husband who couldn't wait to throw his arms around me & exhale the day; now never made eye contact. My husband who was sexually rampant; now never touched me. 

Every year between October and December; my husband suffers a depressive episode. Usually we keep an eye on things, make sure his meds are working and we communicate really openly. We work as a team and support each other. 

This year; all Hell broke loose. He plateaued on his meds. Isolated himself completely and spiraled into hopelessness. How do you lovingly combat a mental illness? Answer; I don't know. Everything I tried held no bearing.

My husband...well, not my husband, but his counter part who lies in wait & takes over when the depression kicks in. This man, who I do not recognize, is dissolving our marriage. Walking (running) away without a single effort or a slight glance behind at the life he is crushing.

My husband is the light of my life. My heart. My soul. My husband is my person. He is so caring & lovable. His smile squeezes my heart in all the right places. Now, I have to say goodbye.

You would think that saying goodbye to someone you don't recognize would be easy. That all the damage & pain...all the tears would compile a mountainous barrier to hold out the grief. It doesn't. Because in the depth of my own soul; I still feel the vibrations of his.