I discovered the truth on December 14th, 2015. There had been a nagging ache in my stomach for a few weeks. Despite a happy marriage, there was something off. When I communicated my uncertainty with my Husband; he brushed it off. Assured me that we were just tired and dealing with the emotional exhaustion that comes during the Holidays. No matter how I tried; I could not shake this feeling.
The morning of the 14th...the beginning of the end; I picked up my Husband's phone to search a Holiday add I had seen the day before. I clicked on the safari browser and my world crumbled.
There, in my hands, was a secret email account. Logged in and full of horrid details. At first, I didn't know what I was looking at. I sat on the edge of my bed...our bed; confused. Email by email, I uncovered another life. A world of hidden online accounts, affair websites, personal adds, sexual exploits, sexual flirtations via facebook with a family friend...I discovered a stranger. The person I had spent 15 years with, the person I was madly in love with; this was not that person.
I was devastated. I sobbed silently. I sat in that pain for two hours before I woke my Husband. I tortured myself with questions: Does he love me? Has he ever loved me? Is our marriage over? Does he want our marriage to be over? Has he jeopardized my physical safety? Has the man I trusted put my body at risk? How could he do this?
Of all the questions, the one that was the hardest to ask myself; Do I still love him?
Before I could confront my Husband; I needed to look long and hard at what "love" meant to me. Not only that, but "unconditional love". Between the time and emotion that was invested in our relationship, and the commitment we promised to one another in our marriage vows...was I willing, no, was I able, to work through this and forgive him.
When I confronted my Husband; he was defensive at first. He blamed his work/life balance, his depression, the busy lifestyle we live...there was no room for accountability. It took a while, but eventually his defenses came down. He told me about all of his online escapades. Begged me to forgive him, promised his commitment and fidelity if I would just find it in my heart to love him.
Standing there, looking into his eyes, I found my answer. Yes. Did unconditional love mean more to me than the devastation I was feeling? Yes. Was I willing to stick my feet in the muck and hold true to our relationship? Yes. Could I feel this pain, live in it, let it in, and still look at my Husband...love my Husband? Yes. Over and over again...Yes.
My Husband and I agreed to a transparency contract. 100% access to any and all online activity, emails, social media accounts, text messages...anything that could be utilized in a form of adultery. This was the only way I could imagine ever being able to rebuild trust. I held tight to this. It became my life line. Little did I know; it would become the the catalyst to an unhinged spiral.
At first, things seemed to be going smoothly. My Husband and I were more connected. There was an air of ease between us. Nothing hidden. Honesty laying way for healing. We spent the Holidays gushing over each other. Putting time in that we had let slip through the course of our relationship.
When January came; so did the guilt. It hit my Husband hard. He started to isolate himself. Allowing a dark space to grow. He began to resent my need for transparency. By mid January I was more than aware that I was no longer dealing with my Husband. The depression took on a totally different persona. This man was distant and aggressive. Cold as ice and inconsiderate to a degree that is malicious. By January 29th, this stranger decided he wanted a divorce.
For the second time in a month and a half; my world shattered. My heart was lodged in my throat and I could barely breathe. How, after all I was willing to forgive, could he not be willing to reciprocate? How could he not be willing to put the work in? Do I not deserve the same amount of love and commitment? Am I the world's biggest fool?
My Husband spiraled. Lord, did he ever. He spent five weeks totally out of control. Out of touch with reality. Binge eating, spending recklessly, sleeping his life away hours at a time, or not sleeping at all. Demolishing any healthy relationships he had in his life and nourishing the toxic, dysfunctional ones. He lived in complete denial. Causing insurmountable damage every step he took.
We spent five weeks preparing to separate. This stranger I was living with was breaking my heart in new ways each and every day. Every low that I thought could not be passed; was beaten by leaps and bounds.
When I finally came to the realization that this was real, when the last shove tipped the scale and I decided I could not take anymore; I filed for Divorce. It took me to a new low. I grieved the loss of my life, my love...my heart.
Two days after sitting in that office and begrudgingly signing my name to legal documents; my Husband resurfaced. Not the man who broke my heart into a million pieces, not the depression riddled antagonist. My Husband.
Here he is; crying, feeling, begging. Apologizing. Sobbing in my lap. Please, please love me. Is it too late? Did I cause too much damage? Do you hate me? Do our children hate me? I love you. I don't want a life without you. I don't want to lose you. Is it too late?...
Here I am; panicking, crying, shaking. Is it too late? Why couldn't you come back three days sooner? Oh my God...you're going to be served any day now! Can I stop it? Do I want to stop it? Can I forgive the chaos? Can we move past the damage? Can I trust you? Do I love you? Am I back at square one?
Every night for the past five days have been spent talking. Stumbling through the hurt, tears, the heartache and the fear. My Husband is trying to take responsibility for his behaviours, but I can see him struggling with the devastation he left in his wake. He was self-destructing and he can admit that. The hurt in the eyes of his children and in my own eyes; may just be too much for him. My Husband may live with the guilt, but the people who love and care for him; live with the pain. Endless memories, triggers, images of that stranger; catch me by surprise. They hit at the most bizarre times. Sitting with my son, the face of our "friend" bursts into my mind and I find myself in tears. I am constantly being caught off-guard and find myself falling into the sadness that still resides in my heart.
Can we do this? Can we move through this? I don't know. Is it too much? Too late? Maybe. All I know is that I love my Husband. I am madly in love with him. Even through the pain; my heart holds more love than hurt. I will hold onto to that. I will choose hope over fear, light over darkness, and love over doubt.
Maybe this blog will help me work through the inner depths I have trouble vocalizing. Help me heal, help me stay strong during the hard times. Maybe I will find the answers to the questions I am struggling with. In the very least; it will help me become more in touch with myself.
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