Secret lives and lost love

I discovered the truth on December 14th, 2015. There had been a nagging ache in my stomach for a few weeks. Despite a happy marriage, there was something off. When I communicated my uncertainty with my Husband; he brushed it off. Assured me that we were just tired and dealing with the emotional exhaustion that comes during the Holidays. No matter how I tried; I could not shake this feeling. 

The morning of the 14th...the beginning of the end; I picked up my Husband's phone to search a Holiday add I had seen the day before. I clicked on the safari browser and my world crumbled. 

There, in my hands, was a secret email account. Logged in and full of horrid details. At first, I didn't know what I was looking at. I sat on the edge of my bed...our bed; confused. Email by email, I uncovered another life. A world of hidden online accounts, affair websites, personal adds, sexual exploits, sexual flirtations via facebook with a family friend...I discovered a stranger. The person I had spent 15 years with, the person I was madly in love with; this was not that person. 

I was devastated. I sobbed silently. I sat in that pain for two hours before I woke my Husband. I tortured myself with questions: Does he love me? Has he ever loved me? Is our marriage over? Does he want our marriage to be over? Has he jeopardized my physical safety? Has the man I trusted put my body at risk? How could he do this? 

Of all the questions, the one that was the hardest to ask myself; Do I still love him? 

Before I could confront my Husband; I needed to look long and hard at what "love" meant to me. Not only that, but "unconditional love". Between the time and emotion that was invested in our relationship, and the commitment we promised to one another in our marriage vows...was I willing, no, was I able, to work through this and forgive him. 

When I confronted my Husband; he was defensive at first. He blamed his work/life balance, his depression, the busy lifestyle we live...there was no room for accountability. It took a while, but eventually his defenses came down. He told me about all of his online escapades. Begged me to forgive him, promised his commitment and fidelity if I would just find it in my heart to love him. 

Standing there, looking into his eyes, I found my answer. Yes. Did unconditional love mean more to me than the devastation I was feeling? Yes. Was I willing to stick my feet in the muck and hold true to our relationship? Yes. Could I feel this pain, live in it, let it in, and still look at my Husband...love my Husband? Yes. Over and over again...Yes. 

My Husband and I agreed to a transparency contract. 100% access to any and all online activity, emails, social media accounts, text messages...anything that could be utilized in a form of adultery. This was the only way I could imagine ever being able to rebuild trust. I held tight to this. It became my life line. Little did I know; it would become the the catalyst to an unhinged spiral. 

At first, things seemed to be going smoothly. My Husband and I were more connected. There was an air of ease between us. Nothing hidden. Honesty laying way for healing. We spent the Holidays gushing over each other. Putting time in that we had let slip through the course of our relationship. 

When January came; so did the guilt. It hit my Husband hard. He started to isolate himself. Allowing a dark space to grow. He began to resent my need for transparency. By mid January I was more than aware that I was no longer dealing with my Husband. The depression took on a totally different persona. This man was distant and aggressive. Cold as ice and inconsiderate to a degree that is malicious. By January 29th, this stranger decided he wanted a divorce. 

For the second time in a month and a half; my world shattered. My heart was lodged in my throat and I could barely breathe. How, after all I was willing to forgive, could he not be willing to reciprocate? How could he not be willing to put the work in? Do I not deserve the same amount of love and commitment? Am I the world's biggest fool? 

My Husband spiraled. Lord, did he ever. He spent five weeks totally out of control. Out of touch with reality. Binge eating, spending recklessly, sleeping his life away hours at a time, or not sleeping at all. Demolishing any healthy relationships he had in his life and nourishing the toxic, dysfunctional ones. He lived in complete denial. Causing insurmountable damage every step he took. 

We spent five weeks preparing to separate. This stranger I was living with was breaking my heart in new ways each and every day. Every low that I thought could not be passed; was beaten by leaps and bounds. 

When I finally came to the realization that this was real, when the last shove tipped the scale and I decided I could not take anymore; I filed for Divorce. It took me to a new low. I grieved the loss of my life, my love...my heart. 

Two days after sitting in that office and begrudgingly signing my name to legal documents; my Husband resurfaced. Not the man who broke my heart into a million pieces, not the depression riddled antagonist. My Husband. 

Here he is; crying, feeling, begging. Apologizing. Sobbing in my lap. Please, please love me. Is it too late? Did I cause too much damage? Do you hate me? Do our children hate me? I love you. I don't want a life without you. I don't want to lose you. Is it too late?...

Here I am; panicking, crying, shaking. Is it too late? Why couldn't you come back three days sooner? Oh my God...you're going to be served any day now! Can I stop it? Do I want to stop it? Can I forgive the chaos? Can we move past the damage? Can I trust you? Do I love you? Am I back at square one?

Every night for the past five days have been spent talking. Stumbling through the hurt, tears, the heartache and the fear. My Husband is trying to take responsibility for his behaviours, but I can see him struggling with the devastation he left in his wake. He was self-destructing and he can admit that. The hurt in the eyes of his children and in my own eyes; may just be too much for him. My Husband may live with the guilt, but the people who love and care for him; live with the pain. Endless memories, triggers, images of that stranger; catch me by surprise. They hit at the most bizarre times. Sitting with my son, the face of our "friend" bursts into my mind and I find myself in tears. I am constantly being caught off-guard and find myself falling into the sadness that still resides in my heart.

Can we do this? Can we move through this? I don't know. Is it too much? Too late? Maybe. All I know is that I love my Husband. I am madly in love with him. Even through the pain; my heart holds more love than hurt. I will hold onto to that. I will choose hope over fear, light over darkness, and love over doubt. 

Maybe this blog will help me work through the inner depths I have trouble vocalizing. Help me heal, help me stay strong during the hard times. Maybe I will find the answers to the questions I am struggling with. In the very least; it will help me become more in touch with myself. 

Dear Patrick

Your love balances between extremes. An emotional seesaw is holding our life ransom. Teetering left and right between the phases of your mind. Six weeks. Complete chaos for six weeks.

When you allow yourself to sit in the emotions, to feel; you cry and express your love for me. Your fear of making the wrong decision.Your guttural need to work things out. "I can't picture a life without you in it", comes pouring out so often. I see your pain. I share your confusion. I try to stay disconnected, but your tears are like a drug my heart can't say no to. I love you too much to sit and watch you suffer. I offer support and comfort. I wipe your tears and run my fingers across your face. They find their usual place at the base of your neck. The spot they have called home for 15 years. Our eyes meet, foreheads connect, my hope rises and my heart opens. I let you in.

Inevitably, the other shoe drops. Your cyclical thinking takes over. Negativity seeps into the crevices of hope we have carved. I cannot break through the years of toxicity and self loathing that have built a fortress around your heart. You isolate yourself, withdraw into your mind. Blow out any spark of warmth with a gust of cool aggression.

My heart cannot survive this ride. Being thrown between hope and heartache. I love you unconditionally. I do. I would walk through Hell and back...I feel like I have. I am slowly realizing that I need to have these things reciprocated. I need more. I am more. I deserve more.

In Like A Lion, Out Like A Lamb

It is cold & blustering, I am frozen to the core. No matter what I do; I cannot seem to warm up. My surroundings are slippery at best & I can barely keep my balance.

I wish I were talking about the weather. And yet, I am describing my life. What is supposed to be my life. It seems surreal...a place beyond reach that I am witnessing by accident. I feel like I should hush my voice, hold me breath, & duck behind a tree.

The Winter squalls came in with thunderous winds & swept my world away. I will spend (have spent) some energy grieving. I will cry & scream at God (I apologize). My faith will be (has been) shaken. I will, however, hold my head high, stick my feet in the muck & hold firm against the storm.

 I am a strong believer that we are never faced with challenges we cannot overcome. As much as I may question God's intentions...his plans; my heart knows (somewhere beneath the sadness) that there is a light coming around the bend.

Although this storm came barreling in with a roar that held the capacity to shatter. My hope...my belief, is that it will dissipate. That the sun will come out, the ice will melt, & the Spring rains will wash clean all the debris left by such a harsh Winter.

Divorce via text

The collapse of social graces. Looking back; I see the numerous red flags that were screaming at me. How do we ignore all the signs? How do we sit in a place of trust & vulnerability. Completely unarmed and naive. Easy. We love.

My husband who always called multiple times from work; was now not contacting me or replying to anything I sent him. My loving husband who couldn't wait to throw his arms around me & exhale the day; now never made eye contact. My husband who was sexually rampant; now never touched me. 

Every year between October and December; my husband suffers a depressive episode. Usually we keep an eye on things, make sure his meds are working and we communicate really openly. We work as a team and support each other. 

This year; all Hell broke loose. He plateaued on his meds. Isolated himself completely and spiraled into hopelessness. How do you lovingly combat a mental illness? Answer; I don't know. Everything I tried held no bearing.

My husband...well, not my husband, but his counter part who lies in wait & takes over when the depression kicks in. This man, who I do not recognize, is dissolving our marriage. Walking (running) away without a single effort or a slight glance behind at the life he is crushing.

My husband is the light of my life. My heart. My soul. My husband is my person. He is so caring & lovable. His smile squeezes my heart in all the right places. Now, I have to say goodbye.

You would think that saying goodbye to someone you don't recognize would be easy. That all the damage & pain...all the tears would compile a mountainous barrier to hold out the grief. It doesn't. Because in the depth of my own soul; I still feel the vibrations of his.

Torn in two

A long time ago I found a lost soul. Stumbling & bumping, this soul crashed into mine. We weaved & we danced. We laughed & we cried. We shared our hearts & our souls became entwined. So many years & so much love. We truly believed this was a gift from above. Some destined path, no mountain too high. Slowly my heart sees; this was a lie. Too much ego, too much hidden shame. Love, to that soul, was only a game. So here I sit, clinging to a moment in time. My faith failing, heart breaking, my soul not able to shine. 

Welcome to the spin cycle

Fifteen years. I have given fifteen years of my life away.

I believed so deeply that there was an inherent goodness down below all the self involved toxicity. A small flicker of a flame, grasping for air. Begging to be ignited. 

I was wrong. Cuts like a knife to admit. I spent fifteen years nurturing, loving, & guiding this little imaginary flame. I was so focused on helping this soul find his "true" self. That I allowed his need for air to absorb my oxygen. In the end; I suffocated. 

How? How do you spend half of your life being chewed up, swallowed & regurgitated. How do you end up simply existing for another; never noticing that you're no longer living. 

Love...the idea of love; it plays such a heavy tune with our hearts. With our minds. "You can survive this horrid behaviour", love says. "You love him...remember?". "Infedelity? Well, you can forgive that. You love him...". "Years of lies & heartache, you got this. You're strong. Love will guide you". Love fools us into believing that it is enough. That love can save the day. Well, it's not enough. No. Love is not enough...

Fighting myself

This book may just be the death of me. Then again, it may just be the catalyst I first believed it to be. I have spent enough time with a hidden voice. I know all too well that hard truths are necessary, but I am also very aware of the impact and reactions that await if I continue. The pain of the past for the ease of the future? My heart feels sure, why can't my brain get on board?!